


clair de lune

by sansaka



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, comma splices ahoy, i heart lesbians, sleep jeans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansaka/pseuds/sansaka
Summary: does the moon still reflect the sun’s light even after she sets?





	clair de lune

**Author's Note:**

> suggested listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBtlPT23PTM

      Sitting at the edge of the forest, her feet dangling over the riverbank into the cool water below, Lucretia began to write. Jotting just a few things down at first, then slowly building a momentum, her pen moving ever faster. It was cathartic, such a relief to finally be able to put endless thoughts into words on paper, putting them in a concrete form with a shape and a meaning. The written words were her friends, her silent companions who were the only company she needed. She was always the journalist, the note-taker, the recordkeeper. This was where she felt the happiest in this world, here with only her thoughts, the trees, and the sound of rushing water.  
     Up until she heard another sound, this one from far behind her. “Lucretiaaa!” She could hear Lup crashing through the leaves and a distinctive “fuck!’ that meant she probably got caught in a tangle of thorns. Arriving finally beside Lucretia, Lup bent down with her hands on her knees, peeking over Lucretia’s shoulder at her journal, who quickly shut it. “Workin’ hard?”  
     “I guess you could say so,” Lucretia replied. She swished her feet around in the cool water, looking overhead again as a group of birds flew in a pack overhead, dodging in and out of branches, trying to keep up with one another. The forest seemed so full of life at midday; this was probably the best time to take notes on specimens found, she thought anxiously, hoping this exchange wouldn’t take long.  
     “Well, if you wanted to take a break, I was about to go do a little exploring in the forest here. Barry’s no fun, all in his lab today, and Magnus and Taako are off alone together somewhere and y’know...I could use the company.”  
     Lup was an interesting person. Lucretia sometimes felt herself watching her out of the corner of her eye sometimes, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she concentrated on a map with Magnus and Barry, baking a triple layer cake when spirits on the ship were particularly low, laughing loudly with Taako about a prank they pulled on the Captain. The energy she brought to the team was undeniably powerful.  
     “I don’t know.” Lucretia held her journal tightly to her chest. “I should keep working.”  
     Lup looked disappointed but pouted cheekily at Lucretia “C’mon, you’re gonna let poor little me go out in the wild all on her own?” She giggled, already starting to stride away deeper into the dense brush. “Besides, I bet there’s some interesting flora and fauna you haven’t seen yet in there.”  
     Sighing, but conceding the point Lup had made, Lucretia picked up her bag and stood up, dusting grass and dirt from her legs, before jogging after her. “I’m coming! Wait up.”

\---

      The forest stretched out around them in a glittering haze, palm leaves stretching downward over vines above their heads, moving infinitely outward across the vast stretch of green. Lucretia could hear the birds calling out to one another, though she couldn’t yet see them through the thickets of leaves. As Lup and she continued to cut through the forest, Lucretia couldn’t help but look occasionally at her…crewmate? she guessed was the correct word to use. Lup seemed to be captivated by everything around them, but, as they entered a small clearing, Lucretia’s attention was immediately focused on a small mushroom poking up from the ground at the edge of a fairy ring. Its cap was a fluorescent yellow color and the stalk a pastel blue, both colors appearing to shimmer in the patch of sunlight it was sitting in, definitely making it stand out in the sea of green. What a specimen!  
     “This is incredible…! I’ve never seen something like this before.” Whipping out her journal again, she sat down on folded legs and began drawing immediately, as Lup giggled a bit under her breath.  
     “Ever the ardent recordkeeper,” she said, smirking, but Lucretia ignored her as she fished a handful of colored pencils from her bag and continued drawing. It was silent in the clearing except for the (literally) screaming birds in the distance and the scratching sounds of Lucretia’s pencils and she could see Lup starting to fidget next to her, folding her arms, tapping her foot, toeing a piece of moss with her boot and then stomping wildly as a horde of ants scrambled out and headed for her leg. Eventually, she leaned down a bit and, putting herself much too far into Lucretia’s personal space, took a look at her sketch. “Whoa. That looks pretty good.”                                                                                Not bothering to turn to Lup, Lucretia continued with her work. “Thank you.”  
     Another long, awkward silence. “Y’know, I always wished I could draw or do something artsy,” Lup finally said.  
     “Really?” Lucretia actually looked up from her drawing. “You seem like you have a...creative spirit.”  
     “Nah, Taako’s definitely the more artistic one. I got all the muscle and brains, he got everything else,” she said, scratching her head and laughing almost sheepishly at herself.  
     Lucretia was silent again for a moment. “Why don’t you try?” She slowly held out her pen to Lup, who seemed surprised at first but soon went back to her usual smirk again.  
     “Sure, why not?” Lup took the pen from her hand, gentler than she had expected, and bent over Lucretia’s journal, starting immediately to make haphazard, wiggly lines on the page. “Let’s see…” Her drawing was getting slightly faster and more erratic as she started to put more elaborate cross-hatches and thicker marks down, at one point ripping through the parchment slightly (to Lucretia’s silent horror). Eventually, she seemed satisfied and turned the journal back to Lucretia, waiting for feedback.  
     Lucretia didn’t know how to begin. “Um...what...is it?” There seemed to be a triangle shape in the middle, surrounded by several jagged lightning bolts, and, from what she could tell, a crude drawing of Dracula?  
     “It’s... supposed to be that leaf right there,” Lup said, pointing to a fantasy ginkgo leaf and sounding frustrated. “I told you I wasn’t good at this.” She put her hands in her lap and sulked a bit, making Lucretia feel almost responsible somehow for making her upset.  
     “C-can I help you…?” She said and Lup looked at her quizzically.  
     “Uh, sure, I guess.”  
     Lucretia reached her hand out and gently placed it over Lup’s, hoping she didn’t notice how clammy it was, or how badly she was shaking. “This might be kinda weird,” she mumbled, but Lup didn’t resist as she guided her hand, making soft strokes on the page with their pen. “Um...like this, see? The edges curve this way…” They sat like that together for what felt like Lucretia to be an eternity until finally they had made a passable, if wobbly, drawing of a leaf. Lup was grinning as they turned to look at each other, which made Lucretia give a small smile back.  
    “Shit, that’s not bad!” Lup said as she admired the leaf-portrait, clapping Lucretia on the shoulder. “Y’know, we don’t make too horrible of a team.” She winked and Lucretia hoped she couldn’t see her blushing.  
     The sun was beginning to set by that point and they got to work picking up Lucretia’s colored pencils that had inevitably been scattered around. It was definitely possible that the other members of the group were starting to get worried about where they were, but they both seemed to be taking more time than was really necessary getting ready to go back. As they were almost ready to go, Lup stopped suddenly and turned to Lucretia with a sense of grave importance.  
     “Hey, Luc?” Lucretia was surprised by the nickname, but nodded. “I think today is the most I’ve heard you speak in 15 years,” she said, with the largest shit-eating grin.

\---

  
     There was a knock at Lucretia’s door. Just as she was getting into bed, too. Sighing and putting her glasses back on, she padded to the door and unlocked it. Lup stood on the other side, holding a notebook in one hand and a small container of something in the other.  
     “Hey!” She still seemed to have endless energy, even this late at night. “Brought you some stuff.”  
     “Mmmm, come in.” Yawing, Lucretia walked back over towards her bed. Hopefully this wouldn’t take too long, but she had thought that the last time, too. She picked up her mug of tea sitting on the bedside table and gestured around the room. “You can take a seat anywhere.” Lup followed and, without thinking almost, sat down near Lucretia’s feet, leaning her back on the side of the bed. Lucretia took a long, slow sip and tried not to choke.  
     “So, y’know, I’ve been thinking about what you showed me the other week or so ago and, like, I really want to get better at drawing. We’re probably gonna be floating around in space for a long fucking time, so I guess it’s the best time to pick up a new hobby, right?” She laughed and Lucretia couldn’t stop herself from chuckling a little either. Lup picked up the notebook that she had kept lying on her lap and held it out to Lucretia, expectantly. “Could you take a look at them for me? Give me a little constructive crit, please?” She winked and flit her tongue between her teeth. “I can take it.”  
     “Oh. Of course.” Lucretia braced herself and opened the journal to the first page, letting out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. The drawings were still pretty crude, sketched onto lined paper with a pencil that hadn’t seemed to be sharpened in decades, but there was a definite sense of progress as Lucretia flipped through them, the dates ranging from the day she and Lup had first gone into the forest together up until that afternoon. Looking at the newest drawing, she noticed that this one was actually of herself, sitting in one of the ship’s windows and copying some of that day’s logs. It looked as though Lup had taken some care with it, trying to get the lines right, lightly erased marks still peeking through near the edges. “These aren’t bad, Lup.” She held up the journal with the drawing of her facing outwards and, now, it was her opportunity to smirk at Lup. “I like this one.”  
     “Sorry, is that weird?” She said, though not really seeming to care, regardless. “I was so bored earlier and the way your dress looked and how the light hit it...it looked pretty nice, I thought.”  
     “Ah…” Lucretia felt herself scrambling for words. “No, no, I really do like it. You can see where your art is improving.”  
     “Really? Thanks.” Lup moved so that she was sitting up on the bed next to where Lucretia was standing.  
    “Yeah! Look at the way your lines here are compared to the ones from your first few sketches…” They sat together for a while, looking at Lup’s drawings, Lucretia occasionally pointing things out that she liked or giving suggestions on how to make things better, and, for the first time in what seemed like forever, things seemed okay. It was almost as if they weren’t trapped in space, being hunted by a Lovecraftian monster. It was like they were home.  
    Lup laughed at something Lucretia had just said as she closed her notebook again. “Anyways, I’ll let you go to bed. Thanks again for your help, dude.” She got up and started to lope back to the door before stopping and spinning back around. “Shit, almost forgot!” Lup picked the small container back up off the ground and gave it to Lucretia.                 “They’re macarons. Taako and I made them. I didn’t know what you liked, but I figured, these are pretty baller, so you’ll probably get a kick out of them regardless.”  
    “Oh, thank you,” Lucretia said as she put them down on the bed, but Lup seemed to be waiting expectantly. She eyed the container and Lucretia took that as a hint to take one out, a pastel blue one, and try a bit. “Oh! Oh, these are really good.” And they were, they were some of the best things she had ever tasted maybe, just sweet enough, delicate and bolder flavors flowing together. They were wonderful.  
     Lup stood up straight. “You like them?!”                                                                                                                                                                                                                  “They’re amazing! The flavor is incredible.”  
     “Mmm, that one’s honey-blueberry. It’s one of my favorites too.” She grinned and Lucretia thought she could see her blushing just a little. She picked up another one, pink this time, and studied it for a moment, admiring the bake and how well it held together.  
     “They’re so pretty, too.”  
     “Not as pretty as me though, right?” Lup giggled. Right. Lucretia nervously broke eye contact again and took a bite of the pink macaron.  
     “I’ve actually always wanted to be good at baking.”  
     “Well, maybe I could show you sometime,” Lup said. “You help me learn how to draw, I help you learn how to bake? An eye-for-an-eye? I don’t think that’s right but…”  
     Smiling, Lucretia gave her a small thumbs up. “I would love that.”  
     “It’s a deal then, cutie.” Lup made her way back to the door. “I can’t give you this recipe, though. It’s a Taaco family secret.” She winked again and gently shut the door behind her, leaving Lucretia alone again with her thoughts and now a box of colorful macarons that seemed to be teasing her.

\---

  
     They had started talking and hanging out regularly, helping each other with art and baking, sometimes goofing off and not doing anything. Being with Lup was nice, peaceful in a weird way. A genuine camaraderie had slowly built up between them and Lucretia felt herself, for maybe the first time in her life, opening up to someone completely and earnestly.  
     Late one night, on their 22nd year on the ship, they sat cross-legged on top of the marble island in the galley, facing each other, with a plate of coffee cakes they had just baked together in between them, talking and laughing  
     “I heard Barry wears jeans to bed,” Lup said, ripping a piece off of a coffee cake and eating it.  
     “That’s fucked up…” Lucretia wiped a crumb of coffee cake off of Lup’s face, causing both of them to laugh more. “You know though, he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. I kinda wish I knew him better. The rest of the crew too…”  
     “Well, you do kinda have all the time in the world, man. Why not make some new friends?”  
     “I’m just nervous, I guess. No one ever really approaches me, except Merle, but that’s different. He’s just trying to be nice to everyone. I don’t think I’m interesting enough to everyone else.” Lucretia laughed sheepishly.  
     Lup rested her chin in her hand, looking thoughtful. “That’s not true. You just have an air about you? You seem like you don’t want to be bothered a lot of the time and I guess everyone here just kinda obliges. Being in someone’s space when they don’t really seem like they want it is pretty awkward.”  
     “Oh…” Lucretia said, “That makes sense and it’s true to a point but...I really do want to spend time with the others, sometimes.” She took another bite of a cake. “Did you...feel like that about me?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        She seemed taken aback, but answered, “A little! You always seemed so cool and distant...I wanted to be friends, but I didn’t know how to approach you, like, at all.” Lup giggled and ran a hand through her hair and Lucretia felt her heart skip. “I thought you kinda hated me for awhile.”  
     “Mmmm!” Coughing as she choked on a crumb of cinnamon, Lucretia waved a hand at her. “Hated you? I don’t...no, of course, I never did.”  
     Lup snickered. “I’m glad to hear it.”  
     “You actually, uh, always kinda intimidated me? You’re always so bold and not afraid to say anything. You’re funny and interesting and personable and I always thought you’d never want to be friends with someone like me.”  
     Lucretia made eye contact with Lup and was surprised to see that for once, she looked serious. “Of course that’s not true. You’re just as funny and interesting and smart and kind and everything!” She put a hand on Lucretia’s shoulder. “Don’t ever think you aren’t fucking amazing, Luc. Promise me you won’t.”  
     Despite feeling her breath choke in her throat for a minute, Lucretia smiled and said, “I promise.”  
     “Good.” Lup stopped and put her hand down, shifting her gaze towards the floor. “So, this might be a bad time, I know we’re in a fucking weird situation right now--”  
     “You’re telling me,” Lucretia snorted.  
     “You have such a snarky streak, I swear!” She laughed, albeit more nervously than usual. “I mean, though, no...what I’m meaning to say is, I know this is all super weird, what with being stuck in a cosmic timeloop of sorts. But, uh, if we get the chance, would you want to maybe get a drink with me sometime? I mean, we get drinks together all the time but...you know what I mean?”  
     “A-are you...asking me out?” Lucretia asked as the color slowly drained from Lup’s face.  
     “Um, yeah, I guess? Sorry, I-I figured you didn’t swing that way, I just thought, for a moment...Sorry, I’ll go.” She started to swing one leg off the counter to leave before Lucretia quickly stopped her.  
     “No, no!” Lucretia smiled, the warmest she had in a long time, and placed a hand on Lup’s knee. “I would love to.”

\---

  
     They lay together, Lup with her head on Lucretia’s shoulder, their arms wrapped around each other, on an expanse of grass, one of many on the world they had aptly named, “Big Fucking Meadow World”.  
     “Lup?”  
     “Mmm-hmm?”  
     “Do you ever wish things were normal?”  
     Lup rolled lazily away from Lucretia, folding her arms behind her head, and watched the clouds for a moment, thinking. “You know, Lucky, I guess I don’t...hate this. I finally feel like...like I belong somewhere. Like I can do something good for the world. And I have you and everyone else on the crew now, people who I love.”  
    “Like a family.”  
     “Exactly. It’s weird, but, if I had the chance to change anything, to not have to be one of the people out here, fighting the Hunger and all the jazz...I don’t think I would.” She closed her eyes and smiled slightly. “Sorry for getting all corny there.”  
     Lucretia sat up as the wind blew her hair around her. She kissed Lup’s forehead. “No. I feel the same way.”

\---

  
_Do you still love her?_

  
     When she looks at Taako, it’s painful in a weird way. It’s not the same feeling she had when she looked at her, but it’s similar. A copy of a copy of a copy of a moment that’s gone forever. It’s difficult for her to be around any of them, her old friends aren’t the same anymore, they don’t know what she knows, they can’t know, for their sakes.  
     And when she’s alone, she’s no better off. She’s trapped endlessly in a cycle of grief and longing and a sense of desperate pain that she knows is partially her fault. There’s no one she can talk to and, for once, that’s all she wants to do. She put her journals away a long, long time ago and now her thoughts echo around her head and make it feel heavy, filling her mind with a roaring din. So much to keep track of, to catalogue...it makes her tired. She misses them all, her crewmates, her best friends, the small, weird family they had created, if for a moment. Things can never be like that again, she knows that of course, but it’s hard. There’s a deep, empty space in her chest that she feels she’ll never fill, and she wants to scream with a voice as loud as her thoughts, “I’m sorry, everyone, and I’m sorry, Lup. I love and miss you, dearly, dearly.”  
     Walking around the base on the moon makes her feel connected to her, somehow, as if a piece of her was left here and is waiting to be found. Indeed, Lucretia finds fragments of her everywhere, in distant laughter, French macarons, and left-behind umbrellas, hoping someday to be held again.

_Yes._

**Author's Note:**

> hello! 
> 
> this is the first piece of fiction i've written in literal years, so any comments or criticism are totally welcome and appreciated! this is kind of a practice piece to get the hang of writing again and it's definitely pretty rough in places. i'm not sure i got either of their characterizations completely right, but so it goes. also sorry for the weirdass formating, i don't know how this website works on any level.
> 
> regardless, thank u for reading. i love u.


End file.
